Monday, June 8, 2009

Can't Seem To Keep Up With This Blog Thing!

Ok, so it's been almost 2 years since I last posted...I'm REALLY good at this blogging thing, huh? I'm going to try REALLY hard to keep up with this, as now I actually have a little free time again with the kids all getting older. It helps that Mitchell will be off to Kindergarten in the fall and Owen is in a special ed. class in the afternoons in the fall, so I'll just have Lila home, who's really not too much trouble. I don't even know what I'll do with all my free time!

I'm starting this up again just because I really need a place to write about all that I'm going through...I'm struggling with my weight and trying to get a handle on that, and not knowing if that just means trying to watch my food and start exercising AGAIN, or if I seriously need to consider doing something else, specifically looking at surgical methods of helping me get a handle on it. I don't really want to do that, but at the same time if I can't lose weight on my own then I need to do something, because I just don't feel good at the weight I'm at. Plus, I've got injuries from a fall down the stairs that have been a source of constant pain in my hip and ankle, and I know that losing weight will help lessen the pain, but at the same time it's hard to start exercising when you are in constant pain. But, I need to do something, if only to be able to keep up with Mitchell, who's PDD-NOS, which is on the autism spectrum (Owen is also PDD-NOS), and is an eloper...meaning he RUNS AWAY at any given moment. Such fun.

Of course, other things going on for me has been processing and dealing with having two kids on the autism spectrum. Not that a diagnosis changes who they are, but the process of figuring out how to help them, what things they need to be successful at school, etc. There are times when I really just feel like I want to give up, but I know that that really isn't a choice. I know it is going to be ok. I know I can make it through the hard times, even when I feel like things will never get better, because I have seen improvement in both boys. I'm seeing them doing things at ages 4 and 5 that my daughter is instinctively doing at 2, like pointing things out to me when we're riding in the car, and engaging me to interact with them to do things that they enjoy. So, it IS better, but progress can seem slow, especially when I have 2 other children who are "neuro-typical" who just automatically do those things.

The other thing I'm struggling with is my faith. Being a pentecostal Christian, and a rather "radical" one at that, I believe that God has healed my kids, but the struggle of believing one thing and seeing another is tearing me down a bit. Lately I've been feeling distant from God, and like I'm a LOUSY daughter right now. Part of that stems from putting too much emphasis on how I'm feeling, rather than on His promises, and I know that. And part comes from anger, I guess, too. Like, if God wants my kids healed, and I want them healed, and He has the power to heal them, why aren't they healed? I know that I don't see the big picture; I only see my little part in it. And I know that His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts. But at the same time I just wish I could see it from His perspective, and know why we need to go through this extended time of waiting and struggle.

Overall, I need a life overhaul, and I'm hoping that getting to write about what is going on, what I'm struggling with, etc., will help motivate me, and maybe will help someone else not feel so alone. I'm not trying to be anyone but me, and I'll lay it all out here and hopefully it will be worth it.

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