Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Almost Summer!

Well, today is Owen's last day of school. Then, tomorrow Mitch is done, and by Friday, everyone will be off. I don't think I'm ready! I just finally started getting into the groove of getting everyone up and off to school and now they are home again!

This morning has been fairly low-key...cleaned and vacuumed the living room and kitchen, washed dishes, did two loads of laundry (they aren't folded, but at least they are CLEAN), and did my little 20 minute workout. Lila and Mitch have been pretty well behaved for the most part, which was why I got so much done. I still really need to mop my floors, but I can't stand that I mop and then the kids use the wet floors to "skate" on, and they end up looking just as dirty as they were before I mopped. So, in my mind, I may as well not put in the effort!

Not a lot going on in my mind today...I've been too busy to think much. One thing I will say, is that I'm tired of feeling like I SHOULD read my Bible and I SHOULD spend time in prayer and I SHOULD listen to teachings on my iPod, but not really having any desire to do those things. I hear other Christians talk about how they LOVE spending that time, they look forward to it, and that they would love to be able to spend all their time in the Word or in prayer. And, truthfully, I want to feel that way. I love Jesus, I love the Father, I love the Holy Spirit. And yes, there are times I get into the Word, or into prayer, and feel like I never want to stop. But there are also times when I feel like I should do it, and not that I WANT to do it. And I don't know what that says about my relationship with God. Am I truly even in relationship if I'm not seeking time out with Him? Do I truly love Him? If I don't, and if this is becoming more about the Law (I must do this, that, and the other thing) and less about relationship, then how do I reestablish that connection? Because obviously He hasn't given up on me...it's me who's walked away from Him. But, at the same time, it's not like I'm trying to be rebellious, or trying to not hear His voice, or really even trying to keep myself from the Word or from prayer. I'm just not feeling connected. And yes, I know feelings are deceiving, and that He's still here with me because He said He'd never leave me nor forsake me. I know that. But at the same time it's like I just need SOMETHING. A feeling of connection to Him to help me through the tough times. Because I'm certainly in the refiner's fire right now, and the heat and pressure feels like almost more than I can bare. I know that at the end of this I will emerge pure and shining and victorious, but right now I just need a little lift, and a knowing that He is sustaining me through it all.

I know I need a good mentor to desciple me, someone more mature in the faith to help me stay the course when I feel like giving up. But, unfortunately, I'm in a young church, and I happen to be one of the most mature Christians in the bunch. People look to ME for help, edification, and exhortation. But that leaves me hungry for someone to turn to who'll give me the Word back when I am down, remind me of His promises when I feel alone. And I pray that the Lord will bring that person, who can be friend, counsellor, adviser, and disciplinarian all in one. I know He'll be faithful in this.

Chris went out to lunch with one of his friends today, so I'm home alone with the kiddos. Not that that is a bad thing...sometimes it's nice to have the house to myself, well, sort-of to myself. And of course it's nice for him to get out and do something fun. My only complaint is that he really can decide what he wants to do whenever he wants to do it without regard for anyone else in the family. Whereas I virtually NEVER get to do what I want to do, and when I DO, it's because I've begged, borrowed or pleaded for someone to do what I normally do all day, ie. watch the kids. Just once I'd like to go out and do exactly what I want to do for as long as I want to do it without worrying that:

1. The kids are wreaking havoc in my house.
2. Whoever is babysitting is angry that I'm still gone.
3. Whoever is babysitting will decide they are NEVER WATCHING THE KIDS AGAIN.

Of course, most of the time the person watching the kids is Chris, or my mom, and they kind of can't say they aren't watching the kids again...after all, they are family. But, there is definitely a sense, from Chris at least, that I shouldn't be gone TOO long, that a couple hours once every few weeks should be PLENTY of time for me to have all to myself. And I have to say this...it isn't. I'm not really a people-person. I like time to myself. And since being a mom, time to myself, BY MYSELF, is fairly hard to come by. And, my kids being who they are, even now it's not like I can go shut myself up in my bedroom for half an hour each day to regenerate...they would destroy the house and each other. Mitchell, particularly, needs constant supervision, and Owen isn't far behind. So, I'm virtually constantly with children from the time I get up to the time they go to bed...and then at that point I'm supposed to spend my time with my husband. Doesn't leave much time to just be alone.

I think I've rambled enough today.

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